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BBC Breaking News

NUKU'ALOFA, TONGA -- Jon 'Nigel' Seid, President of the Jarthen Foundation, along with the foundation's Chief Financial Officer, Fatty the cat, have been rescued from the wreckage of a North Korean satellite which crashed into the Pacific Ocean late last night. The satellite, which was launched in the midst of an enormous Jarthen-themed celebration in the nuclear armed dictatorship, mysteriously crashed after making only a handful of revolutions around the earth, at approximately 11:06pm (UTC+13).

An American Cruiser, the U.S.S. Gertrude Stein, was in the vicinity and able to reach the damaged satellite at 11:32pm (UTC+13). The ship's crew were astonished to discover the missing Mr. Seid and Fatty sitting atop the floating wreckage, waving to them animatedly.

Although the exact circumstances of Mr. Seid and Fatty's strange journey remain obscure, some details are emerging. It seems that Mr. Seid and Fatty were kidnapped by North Korean operatives during a secret trip to China on February 11. The two highly recognizable figures were drugged, and transported across the North Korean border in a train carrying a shipment of coffins.

The two Jarthen luminaries were then taken to a secret maximum security prison a quarter of a mile below the earth's surface. Here, in between hours-long interrogation sessions, Mr. Seid and Fatty were forced to work day and night on producing government propaganda using characters and themes from their popular Tale of Jarthen.

After nearly two months of captivity, back-breaking labor, and sleep deprivation, Mr. Seid and Fatty's herculean efforts culminated in the enormous Jarthen-themed celebration of the satellite's launch. Thanks to nearly implausible luck and a series of highly-unlikely events, the prisoners managed to secret themselves in a small, environmentally controlled chamber in the satellite. Once the craft had been launched, Fatty used his intimate knowledge of electrical engineering and astro-physics to cause it to crash into the Pacific Ocean.

The BBC and other news media have been prevented from gaining access to the crash site, the survivors, and members of the rescue team by a large contingent of Worthis Trust security forces, which landed on Tonga within hours of the crash.