Whither the Jarthen Foundation?

Whither the Jarthen Foundation?

Questions of competence and direction assail the tottering mega-conglomerate.

By Pavel Hammelfrond -- Special to Global Post
Published Oct. 29, 2009

The Great Recession has shaken the foundations of world capitalism to an extent not seen since the 1930's, sparing none, not even such pillars of the economy as Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, Oscar Mayer, and countless others. Now it seems the Jarthen Foundation itself can be added to the growing list of suffering firms.

Once believed recession-proof, and certainly worthy of too-big-to-fail status, the venerable Jarthen Foundation has suffered a 47% drop in its share price since a peak last spring of $127.43 on the Stoke-on-Trent Mercantile Exchange, the only market at which the stock is available. Since its debut on the city's modest exchange in 1894, the Jarthen Foundation's stock has held the honor of being the most widely traded and expensive commodity. However, after the prolonged exsanguination of its trading value, the Jarthen Foundation lost its place at the top of the STME heap to the likes of Northumber Fish Products, a regional powerhouse in the distribution of sardines and slurry, but an opponent that undoubtedly left Mr. Seid humbled.

Any number of external factors have contributed to the corporation's recent decline -- the ongoing economic crisis, historic shifts in the adult entertainment industry, the influx of opiates from Afghanistan, and a shrinking global arms market to name just a few -- but most people place the blame squarely on the broad shoulders of the Foundations eccentric chairman, Jon 'Nigel' Seid. Aside from traipsing about the world on a private zeppelin in unspeakable luxury, the occasional and invariably highly-publicized gaffe, and a salary that would make Steve Jobs envious, it's difficult to say what exactly Mr. Seid contributes to the embattled concern.

Indeed, it seems a proposition so self-evident as to be unworthy of contest that, if anything, Mr. Seid has done grave injury to his firm's interests. His impulsive and ultimately disastrous decision to sink millions of dollars into the commercial transport and sale of arctic ice, his ill-fated search for the city of Atlantis, and his widely suspected forays into cloning and genetic manipulation are just a few of the ill-conceived ventures that have seriously depleted the Foundation's dwindling cash reserves.

However, some commentators have asserted that Mr. Seid's unorthodox approach to corporate management is more successful than his critics suggest. Harold Blume of the Global Strategic Initiative says: "Although Seid's actions frequently seem to defy the traditional axioms of business, and the man betrays a complete ignorance of such basic concepts as profit margin and wage controls, it cannot be denied that he has managed to elevate his firm to a position of power in the world rivaled perhaps only by its most powerful nations."

This interpretation has been adopted and taken to even greater lengths by conspiracy theorists, some of whom claim that the Jarthen Foundation is essentially omnipotent. "They're everywhere, seriously I wouldn't mess with them if I were you,"an anonymous source warned during the composition of this article. "I'm not paranoid or anything , it's just, well, if I've learned one thing in life it's that Wu-Tang Clan and the Jarthen Foundation ain't nothin' to fuck wit'."

Such an extreme viewpoint is certainly composed more of fancy than reality, but it does speak to one essential truth; the Jarthen Foundation remains highly influential in spite of its recent financial woes. Mr. Seid's personal phone number is apparently 3rd on the President's speed dial behind the Joint Chiefs and his bookie, and the invitations for personal appearances continue to pour in despite Mr. Seid's frequent absences from the public view. However, such hysteria tend to ignore the fact that Jon 'Nigel' Seid and the Jarthen Foundation are not one in the same. Hopefully, the Foundation's board of governors will realize this and cut Mr. Seid loose before the two are inseparably bound together in the mind of a disillusioned public.