Business Reporter Found Dead

Business Reporter Found Dead
Des Plaines Daily Ledger
Nov. 1, 2009

In an accident that shocked this small mid-western community, Pavel Dabney Hammelfrond, 46, was found dead in his Des Plaines home this Saturday, the victim of a horrific encounter with a push-mower.

Mr. Hammelfrond, who worked as a freelance journalist, sold articles on a wide range of topics including the economy, politics, and AKC dog shows. In his spare time Mr. Hammelfrond enjoyed working on his HO scale model train set, which at the time of his death covered more than 40 square feet of his basement.

The mower in happier times.

Police were first alerted to a problem at the victim's quiet, suburban home when a group of trick-or-treaters reported hearing the sound of a lawnmower coming from the man's living room to their parents. Sheriff Artemis Dundlesmudge was the first on the scene. "At first I thought it was just a prank, you know, the old mow your Pa's shag carpet gag, but, boy oh boy was I wrong," the sheriff said at a press conference late Saturday evening. "Soon as I saw all them guts and blood, well, I kind of lost my head a bit, and started shooting. Fortunately, that poor fella was already dead." Dundlesmudge later confessed that the Kubota 5hp mower was fatally wounded in the exchange.

Though the exact circumstances of Mr. Hammelfrond's death remain obscure, its immediate cause was quite clear to coroner Frank Bakebrite. "One look at that room, and I knew we were dealing with a total bleed-out. The thing was, this guy's body was so completely lascerated, I didn't even realize until half-way through the exam that he had been decapitated," Bakebrite told reporters during the press conference. "Seriously, it was like a blood geyser up and erupted all over somebody's living room. Gnarly shit," the coroner added.

"I'm not entirely sure why he decided to fix the lawnmower right there in the living room, maybe he reckoned it was safer," Sheriff Dundlesmudge said about Hammelfrond's reasons for deciding to perform the dangerous maintenance from the comfort of his couch. "One thing's for sure though, they won't be able to get those oil stains out of the carpet, let alone all of the blood on the drapes, furniture and ceiling. That and his TV was ruined even before I shot it," he added.

Ada Vanpepperschmidt, the deceased's former wife, was left dumbfounded by the news. "What was he even doing with that lawn mower? I mean it did need to be fixed when we divorced 3 years ago, but he never once mowed the lawn while we were married. Not once! I guess he finally took my nagging to heart, and look what it got him," she said, her voice shaken by sobs.

For the present Mr. Hammelfrond's death is being treated as an accident, but suicide has not been ruled out. He is survived by his former wife, an aunt, his sister Harmony, and his box turtle Ferdinand.