Secret Worthis Trust Memorandum

To: The Chairwoman

From: Under Secretary of Control, Mr. D-----
Department of Non-Conventional Informatics
The Worthis Trust

The recent media focus on the absence of Sir N represents a grave deviation from our strictly mandated information disbursement agenda. Despite our foreknowledge of of Sir N's unreliability, we were not prepared for so grievous an indiscretion as his recent behavior. Future planning must better account for all variables, particularly such intangibles as personality and mental hygiene.

In the meantime, there are several courses that we can pursue to redirect the public discourse into avenues more advantageous to the interests of the WT and JF:

1- The unilateral removal of Sir N from his position, and the installation of a more reliable individual (some names circulating have included former prime minister Tony Blair, Olympian Mark Spitz, and a robotic Charlton Heston developed by graduate students at MIT).

Advantages: A more stable character at the helm would increase public confidence in the JF, possibly leading to an increase in both government and private investment. Additionally, the danger of Sir N's frequent gaffes would no longer be a necessary variable in our calculations.

Disadvantages: Sir N's visibility and popularity in certain core constituencies (particularly African American women (age 40-85), casual day laborers, professional cat sitters, third world strongmen, etc. would lead to an inevitable backlash in these quarters. The byzantine power structure of the JF also is rather opaque on whether the president can even be removed from power, and what the necessary circumstances for such an action would be. Finally, the Hest-bot's accuracy with both handguns and rifles remains sub-optimum.

2- Admission of the actual circumstances of Sir N's recent absence.

Advantages: Telling the truth would be a sign to the public that the WT is an honest organization that they can have confidence in.

Disadvantages: The obvious embarrassment of acknowledging Sir N's peculiarities has long term ramifications for the public perception of the JF and WT. Additionally, telling the truth would set a dangerous precedent potentially limiting our field of action in the future.

3- The execution of Plan Alpha Fatty Zero.

Advantages: The preparation for this this action is complete, and all of the tests have been successful, meaning that the potential success of this plan could serve as a distraction from Sir N's scandals.

Disadvantages: Reports from Beijing and Hong Kong show that now might not be the most fortuitous time to launch the plan in terms of Chinese consciousness.

4- The forced return of Sir N

Advantages: The reemergence of a stable, positive Sir N would greatly bolster confidence in both the JF and WT and eventually quell the current disparaging rumors. As an added benefit, Sir N might restore the JF from its current state of disarray, caused by the organization's complete dependence on the presidency to conduct all affairs ranging from the transfer of billions of dollars down to the acquisition of vital office supplies.

Disadvantages: Sir N is notoriously mercurial, and there can be no meaningful guarantee of his cooperation or lucidity.

The Under Secretary thanks the Madame Chairwoman for her forbearance in reading this memorandum, and is awaiting further instruction.