A Message from the President of the Jarthen Foundation

Now, I know that there has been a great deal of speculation about my whereabouts during the past several months, and that a lot of you are hoping that I will explain my unusual silence of late in this message. I fear, however, that the gossip-hungry among you will remain curious even after reading this, for this, dear friends, is a holiday missive!

As anyone acquainted with our venerable organization well knows, the Jarthen Foundation has a long tradition of supporting holidays -- both religious and secular -- quite vigorously. Some particularly pessimistic folks will tell you that we do this simply to boost our bottom line, but even a daft Dutchman can see that this is an utterly fallacious notion!

Why would an enormous, multinational foundation dedicated to protecting the well-being of all the world's peoples (save of course for those foul beings that dwell in the dark lands of New Zealand, Wales, and Portugal -- the so-called Triangle of Despair) seek to profit from such benificent institutions as holidays? I'll tell you why: we wouldn't! Now this might not be the answer that satisfies the humbugs and so-called logicians down at the New York Times, but I'll tell you who it does satisfy, and that's America.

And I'm not just talking about the citizens of the United States. No, rather, I'm referring to the idea, the very spirit of America which pervades all mankind, that unifying set of principles that sets the good apart from the not-so-good. But I digress.

You see, we here at the Jarthen Foundation aren't a cabal of madmen hell-bent on global domination of trade and politcs as some people would have you believe -- ahemDanRatherahem. We're just a set of down-to-earth folks trying to use the immense resources and influence of a shadowy corporation to improve the well-being of all who support what is right and good in this world.

That's why we here at the Jarthen Foundation have taken it upon ourselves to convince the U.N. and all of the world's governments to reserve a day, possibly even a long weekend for the celebration of Jarth-mass. I'm sure that many of you are scratching your heads saying, "but wait, Nigel, we don't need another Jarthen related holiday, do we? We've already got Jarthfest and the Feast of a Thousand Mushes -- why do we need more?"

To this I respond, good sirs and madams, if there's anything this world needs, it's another Jarthen-related holiday! Think back, if you will, to a time before these annual days of celebration and reflection -- was the world not awash in a sea of conflict and pain? Did children not die from hunger and easily preventable diseases every second? Did Montreal not have a baseball team?

And now, I ask you, does our world still suffer from these great ills? Yes, sadly she does. What other option does an organization such as ours have in the face of these great travesties? What can we do to change this?

The answer, I think, is obvious. We must press forward! We must face injustice and say, "nay, sir, I shan't be downcast! I will not surrender to the sadness of a million shoeless orphans or a host of drowning polar bears! I will celebrate Jarth-mass! I will laugh in your face, evil, for that is the only way to defeat you!"

And that, my friends, is the true reason for the season.