AP: Jarthen Foundation and Worthis Trust to Commemorate Birth of Chairwoman

LONDON, Ont: In a rare public appearance Sir Jon "Nigel" Seid has announced that the Jarthen Foundation and Worthis Trust will be allowing their employees to turn off their machines early today in recognition of the Chairwoman Melissa Sanders' birthday.

"Well a birthday doesn't come along very often at all," Seid told reporters at a press conference held outside a Worthis Trust Facility in a remote, wooded location in Ontario. "In fact, I can't remember the last time Ms. Sanders had a birthday...in any case, both of our organizations are extremely excited to recognize her for her daring leadership, and groundbreaking innovations in the field of Jarthenology."

Jarthen Foundation and Worthis Trust workers were seen lining up behind the 12 foot high chain-linked fence, topped by armed guards in watch towers that surround the Canadian compound for cake and ice cream, which were being distributed by two unidentified individuals dressed in a two-person, plush centaur suit. Although the workers were not available to comment, Sir Nigel assured reporters that all of the employees were "smiling up a storm, and ready to burn down the barn out of pure joy."

Ms. Sanders also was not on hand to comment about the festivities as she was traveling to Belgium for a conference of international information and security firms to discuss the ongoing crisis in the Caucuses. The chairwoman, who will be turning 24 today, has a great deal to celebrate, having become the youngest head of one of the Wall Street Journal's "top ten most shadowy and possibly sinister multi-nationals of the new milennium," and presiding over the now-famous merger with the Jarthen Foundation.

When asked about what might be next for the ambitious, young businesswoman, Sir Nigel demurred, responding obscurely that "I'm sure it'll put a rainbow of a smile on all your shining little faces."


Patterson Van Nostwick contributed reporting for this article.