A Triumphant Journey of Enlightenment through a Continent of Darkness

Now before we here at the Jarthen Foundation are further inundated with urgent inquiries into the rather sporadic nature of our output of late and the conspicuous absence of its beloved president, the inimitable Jon 'Nigel' Seid, myself no less, I considered it expedient to regale you, our dear readers, with the events that have so occupied my time as to limit the extent to which the Tale of Jarthen has been able to continue at its usual pace. You see, oh great consumers of all things Jarthen, I have been on a journey of discovery and adventure through that darkest and most primitive of land masses: Africa.

Before anything else, let it be known that I will brook no criticism of my choice of destination for this journey. I have heard enough unfounded accusations about the Jarthen Foundation's 'limited support' of Robert Mugabe¹, our instigation of the Biafra incident, and, perhaps most outrageous of all, our precipitation of the Second Moroccan Crisis. Rumors such as these, contrived in the odious pit of muckrakery and libel that are is the New York Times news service, are not to be believed whatever 'evidence' they might provide in support of their reprehensible claims, but I digress.

The initial purpose of this journey was simply a relaxed vacation, and the collection of some of the Cape's botanical specimens. Ever since our merger with the Worthis Trust, we have been working non-stop on the voluminous amount of paperwork, securing funds for expanded work on the Tale of Jarthen, and fending off the numerous class action lawsuits that are the inevitable result of running a business in our overly litigious society. Simply put, both Fatty and myself were in dire need of a respite from the tedium of running one of the world's most revered institutions of general beneficence.

This being the case, I had my man Godfrey pack our best summer linen suits, pith helmets, a few elephant guns, and a selection of the latest paperback novels, before we hopped into the foundation's best zeppelin, the Glothnafar I, and set a course for the heart of darkest Africa. For the first several days of our journey, our party were as merry as pigs in a blanket, carousing through the vast savannahs and romping about with the quaint natives. We hopped from villa to villa in the Congo, reveling in the hospitality that invariably welcomes representatives of the Jarthen Foundation even in the remotest corners of the globe.

The Glothnafar I ascends

However, we soon became aware that, despite the continent's vast natural resources and immense beauty, not all is well in the land that King Leopold built. Indeed, it turns out that despite years of benevolent tutelage at the feet of Europe's finest empires, Africa suffers from a multitude of problems, first among which must be the severe lack of access to the Tale of Jarthen for those most in need of its profound example. Indeed, Fatty was quick to observe that apparently the majority of the Congo's populace are engaged in subsistence farming and ethnic cleansing initiatives, rather than enriching their lives and livelihoods through careful examination of the Tale of Jarthen.

Even though we were on vacation, and had sworn off the sort of arduous work that occupies the bulk of our waking hours while at home, we realized that we couldn't abandon these poor, lost souls to their trying, Jarthen-deprived existences. We had to make a difference -- that's what we at the Jarthen foundation are all about, despite what Desmond Tutu would have you believe.

Although we had not secured nearly enough white rhino flesh for the Foundation's barbcue in August, we decided to cease our larking about and make whatever improvement we could in these peoples' lives. Though we had but scant resources at our disposal, we set out with the same implacable purposefulness that led to the Jesuits' triumphant work in the New World, carrying our message -- Jarthen's message -- to all who were prepared to receive its epiphanic import. Fatty, of course, bravely led the charge, and the native children, who like many of their feline counterparts have not been exposed to the Tale of Jarthen, were utterly enthralled by his wise demonstration of Jarthenic principles. Additionally, we were also able to scratch up some of the genetically-modified Fethilian wheat that Archer-Daniels-Midland has been producing for us to distribute to the local farmers.

Local children thank their deities for bringing Jarthen into their lives

Perhaps our finest achievement has been the establishment of the Madame Slomp Institue for Jartheneadic Studies, which will finally provide a suitable venue for Africa's finest minds to ponder the wonder that is the Tale of Jarthen. African scholars have languished in the study of such arcane subjects as crop development, environmental preservation, and political science for far too long: at last, they will be able to direct their enormous intellectual energies toward a deeper understanding of the Tale of Jarthen and its dissemination to every level of society.

Finally, though there is still a great deal more work to be done in illuminating the dark continent with the luminescent wisdom of Jarthen, Fatty and I decided that we were needed at the foundation again -- goodness knows those interns are always getting into trouble! I guess there just isn't any rest for the weary, but the look on the faces of those that have accepted Jarthen into their hearts and minds is compensation enough.
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¹ The Worthis Trust has provided observers and assisted in the operation of ballot boxes in Rhodesia's most recent election, for which Mr. Mugabe and his counterparts Johannesburg have offered their gratitude (and significant quantities of gold, diamonds and radium) insuring the satisfactory conclusion of yet another election season.